if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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