I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
