so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
