I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
