I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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