Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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