i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize