Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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