If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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