How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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