I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize