I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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