girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
