genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
