Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he told me I talked like a deaf person
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Who died my cat blue again?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize