I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
