so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
