I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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