Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You had me at "let me see your balls"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
