three words: i give head
three words: not that well
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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