we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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