You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
