So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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