Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
