I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
