I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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