did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
