We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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