i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The adults are the big ones right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
