I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
