I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
