I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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