Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
