That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
