Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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