dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
