i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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