Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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