I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
