no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
