He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
