There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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