I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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