So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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