Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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