sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
