ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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