we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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