So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
