he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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