I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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