well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize