I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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