He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
