While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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