i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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