Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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