The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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