I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I want a musical about memes.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize