guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Randomize
