I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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