Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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